Anger is an issue

Appologies for swearing, this is a fictional piece based on a patient in a mental asylum..

"I’m Angry. Apparently, they put me in here because I go blind with rage. Silly fuckers. Do I look angry to you? I am not angry at all, that’s not the right word to describe how he made me feel. When he pinned me down. And used my head as a hammer, my body as a tool. He should be in here. Locked up without a key. Being told your crazy, a psycho, mental, abusive, a disturbed human being who is a bit fruity, a loco lunatic. My brains unstable, unbalanced, I am a tad nutsy but i’m not fucking angry. When they pulled me from the mess of his body they shouted at me, deranged, schizoid, fucking nutter, stupid screwball, she is off her nut, crackpot. Wanker. That’s what I echoed in return. You try living with someone who puts his fag ends out on your face. That’s right, I’m the fucking lunatic. I’m the one who got locked away because I am the one who got abused, who got thrown about as if i was a sack of potatoes. He had it coming. Fucking good. That’s what i felt when i saw the blood pour out his skull. But i’m not angry, not me."

Nothing beats a bit of tlc

When the clouds start to gather over head,
when your crumbling into blindness,
when your vision is your reflection,
when you want out, but have no hands to reach it,

a little bit of tender loving care is all you need.

If you end up suffocated with no cash back, no guarantee,
if your creeping into a pit where nothing seeps in,
if your being here is a hollow absence,
if you can't understand or comprehend yourself,

a little bit of tender loving care is all you need.

Then you can wipe the salt from your eyes,
then your shoulders become much lighter,
then your not alone, but your embraced,
then you can say yes, a sweeping revelation,

a little bit of tender loving care is all I need

to be comforted with my head held high,
to forget my deep cuts caused by their words,
to remember I am worthy, I am someone,
to say yes, with an arm around my shoulder,

a little bit of tender loving care is all I needed.

Inhibitions

These are things that we are so afraid of saying, or acting in a certain way...

For me, I hate karaoke, at least when I am sober i do. But if I am honest, even when I have had a few to drink I still find it scares me silly. I just KNOW that I can't sing, I wish I could, but I am not going to do anything about it because it doesn't bother me enough. When I am out in a club and I know a song I will just sing a long fine and happy because I am being silly and no one cares when your in a crowd full of people, you don't care. What matters is the unified voice singing above the noise of the song, every drunk face joined in unison to bring about a murmur of noise.

Inhibitions come in so many forms, mine come in worrying what people think about me too much when it comes to singing karaoke, or becoming very rowdy and silly. It's a great feeling when you don't let your inhibitions rule you, but instead, you go crazy!! For most people this happens when you are drunk, except you take that step and run a mile... everyone tends to take things a little too far!

I have given up alcohol for lent and it is proving to be a challenge so far, but it has been over 2 and a half weeks an i have managed it so far. So when I am in a situation, such as a club, surrounded by drunks, i can let my inhibitions go as well. They won't remember. These drunkards around me won't blink an eye, so who cares if i dance crazy and sing painfully, if I am really loud and rowdy, who cares? No one but me will remember in the morning. And waking up feeling o.k is a pretty good feeling. Not wasting my day in bed or feeling hungover.

So i think once you put yourself in a situation where you have no choice but to let go of your inhibitions, regardless if you are drunk or not, I think the results can be incredible. I had an amazing night on Thursday when i didn't drink. So perhaps I will continue this. I will at least until Easter, which is about 4 weeks time. Maybe I will learn a lot from this experience, I definitely am learning people think I am a little crazy because I am giving up alcohol which in their eyes is "impossible". I will prove them wrong.

I can't say that, whenever I am in a karaoke situation ,I will go up and sing, alcohol or not, because I haven't quite got to that stage. I will need to work on this one...

Every time I travel

... I end up with a story. Why is that? Do you think it's because of the way the world is created... full of people so unlike each other, so unique, with their own mannerisms, quirks and practices? When different cultures meet perhaps they sometimes collide?

Every time I travel i see a new expression, a new face with their sadness, joy or confusion. Their smiles from soft to exuberant. Every inch of their face tells it's own story, their outfit chosen for the day, none the same. Young couples who like to show each other off, to old couples who still hold hands.

Is it true the further north you go the friendlier people get?

Maybe my stories came about because my personality tends to be one that is inevitably going to get itself into an awkward situation to a journey from hell. You hear about those people that things happen to, I think it must be the way the world works, that i am that person. I have been hand selected to take on what this unexplainable planet has to dish out. If something is going to go wrong it will. It's not always a 'bad' thing that happens, but it is definitely, at the time, a cause for considerable patients.

So. My story. When I travel. Do you think I end up with something to tell because my being is destined this way, after every journey and because I look friendly so an advantage is taken?

These people must specifically be placed to find me. To torment me, talk to me. To frustrate me or bother my peaceful reading. The reading I am frantically trying to catch up on for uni. I feel ready for anything with the knowledge of past experiences packed in my bag. My book and headphones at the ready.
Phone? Check
Food? Check
Now all I have to do is aboard my mode of transport and hope for the best. Hope that today, it won't be my day. that today I will get to my destination in peace, unstressed and ready for whatever, or whoever awaits me at the end.
But, with the ways of the world as they are, and the people within it being out of my control, I can only go prepared. My hope is packed and my patients is within snatching distance.
Here.
I.
Go...

Knowledge, Wisdom & Imagination

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. For while knowledge defines all we currently know and understand, imagination points to all we might yet discover and create" (Albert Einstein)

I think it is so important to be 'wise' but i believe this is different to having a lot of knowledge. Having knowledge is about knowing a subject so well you could answer any question on it or tell me any fact about it. However you could be very knowledgeable and have no wisdom. Wisdom is so different to knowledge because i believe it comes from your 'life skills' and what you experience as an individual as to why you acquire wisdom. I believe that knowledge can help in some understanding of say different cultures, different literary texts and authors however it is the wisdom you have behind this 'information' that defines you as a person.

I prefer to live my life in learning more about how acquire wisdom rather than someone who is full of useless facts and general knowledge. I am not saying I am very wise, in fact far from it, but I would rather attain to be wise over having my brain stored up with useless information which helps you win pub quizzes. Which ironically I am useless at.

I think that wisdom comes from a deeper sense of understanding of life and the things we experience. Wisdom is something that can help you in the darkest moments of life, something that brings optimism and a new idea into the depths of our human emotion. I think it can also be a guide into the way you live your life, to make the most from your life in a full and loving way.

Albert Einstein was, as we know, a genius. He understood that it is our imagination which helps open up new ideas and new thinking. Being a creative writing student I am not forced to learn facts or rammed with information on a daily basis, if anything it is the opposite. I am learning to use my own mind, not force fed from other peoples minds. I am left to think, to build upon ideas and create writing, from what at first, would appear no where. From the solid substance that is my brain. Some might argue that it is your imagination which is more valuable than all the wealth of knowledge in the world.

Without an imagination you are left to dry up like a well in a dessert. An empty waterhole with nothing to flourish from. But by using your imagination and creating ideas which you never thought yourself capable of, gives you a new lease, a new sense of freedom which could take you any place. Along with this, having wisdom about living your life, in the way you deem things righteous and good can be used to apply into your writing, along with the things you experience.

I think that with wisdom & imagination something incredible can happen. Something which can inspire or intrigue people, but it has be acquired and learnt, often through the day to day lives we lead. The trials we face and the blessings we receive. But we learn, through every right or wrong decision. We are always learning...

We don't need to have facts flown at us from every side to justify ourselves as learning or working hard through our writing. It is only the ignorant that think this is an easy course, an easy way of life. What they don't realise is that they are missing out on their own imagination, which is key to life, key to creating and developing not only academic skills but life skills.

We are being enabled to see ideas and life from another side.
A creative side.

Sweet Kid

Sweets always make me think of something innocent or something sinister. Never in between. After having a phone conversation for over 2hours it refreshed my memory as to how much i love sweets. every colour, every shape, every taste different to the last. The moment it touches the tip of your tounge it sends your taste buds flying off the walls.

From gummybears,

to bubblegum bottles,

lemon bonbons, eclairs and sweet sweet cheeries,

apple laces,

dipdabs,

swizzlers and palma violets,

from "mmm" to "ugggh", too much colouring, too tangy, too sweet?

My, shall we say, obbssession? Has got me nowhere but brief minutes of heaven tainted by teeth needing fillings and an addicition, craving, for more sweets, for particulars.

'Craving', this is defintaley something I used to experience when I hadn't tasted something sweet for a few days.

Never good, for you,

sherbet,

saucers,

jellybeans,

cola bottles,

toffee apples?

Where do I stop? When should I stop? Lucikly I am not so dominated by sweets in my life turning into a 20 year old. However I do still love them, but I am not so controlled by them.

My sweet tooth steadily turning into love of savoury items even more so. Is this because I am older? Will my child inside die with this enthuse for sweets?

Not yet, not now, I am still a child. Despite a little more freedom, a little more responsibility for my life, I am still a kid. Still immature, still loving sweets.

Bring on Pancake day, a good day for this sweet toothed kid :P

Coach Terror

I have never been on such an awful, hair-pulling, boiling my brains journey in all my LIFE! Which is a long 19 and a half years... It was THE definitive torture with undisciplined and uncontrolled children banging on the back of our seats. Their whining and singing in our ears with random outbursts of screaming with excitement, telling the whole coach we are going to Manchester. REALLY??? As if I didn't know what I paid for?

And breathe. Talking of this journey just brings back the whirl of anger i could feel roaring up inside me, which caused me to go slightly mad and get blind drunk once i had reached my destination. I blame the people on the bus. I blame the coach driver, a lairy bromey who thought he was funny but the fact was his comments WEREN'T JOKES!

One good thing was the company of my friend Nat. Luckily she was feeling the pain too. 5 and a half hours after leaving Leicester we finally arrived practically dripping with sweat having stripped off the 3 layers i was wearing. Requests to turn the heating off seemed to be acknowledged, but clearly my rosy cheeks, and banging headache said otherwise!!!

I praise God. The journey home was like chocolate melted over candy floss. Pure heaven. At least it was in comparison to the way up. I literally, have never felt so angry, at parents who just can't control their kids. I cannot comprehend what goes on in their brains. I know the coach breaking down added an extra cherry to our already perfect dessert of a trip. Mm how I wish I could re-live that moment in another lifetime, so this time i can forget my morals, forget my patients, a world where I wouldn't be arrested for lashing out on the people in that coach!

I am not a physco. But i can say, that all the possibilities of murder where going through my head. Ashamed? Not particularly, not after the pain they caused me. In reality of course I gritted my teeth, as soon as the coach pulled into the station I jumped up , pegged it as fast as I could off the bus, and into the happy arms of my friends. They were carrying a bottle of wine. True friendship. They had read my mind!

Sunshinecity... YOU WHAT?

I am sunshinecity, I created it, it comes come from my imagination and has no real meaning. Maybe it's because I was born in the summer, my favourite time of year. Maybe it's because I wanted something that sounded 'cool' or 'inventive' for my blog!

"YOU WHAT YOU WHAT??"

It's the same old chant, the same phrase repeated everynight at a club. The, dare i say it, chavy group of people who claim to be 'cool'. In those moments of hearing their cliche chants and drunken shouts I thank God I am not a part of it.

Intoxication

This is what it feels like to be intoxicated, where my blood runs thin with poison. I could say 'It was an accident' or 'they bought my drinks' but that would be lying. 38hours later and I am still feeling the affects of downing a whole bottle of wine in 15minutes.

Why do we do it to ourselves?

Sleep deprivation and lack of food consumption is lethal. I need to rest my sore eyes, close my body down into a sub-concious state. If only to feel right again; to feel relief from this horrific self-inflicted illness.

The night itself was epic. From the meeting of an old friend who I haven't seen in a year to the forgetting about my life back in Leicester. Being with my closest friends, laughing at old times, enjoying the night life of manchester whilst keeping each other steady on our feet.
Flash Flash
A kiss on the cheek and it's captured forever. A hug with a silly face, a pout, a laugh and so it's all 'remember this', 'remember that' as afternoon dawns. 3 in the bed and the little one said 'oh my head'. Paracetemol? Toilet basin? Shower?
But all I want is good health. Tommoro it will arrive, or maybe the day after.

But for now sleep is all i hear. calling me. begging me. needing me.

Why do I feel like this?

This day, it passes me by so quickly. I need to sleep but i don't want to sleep. Why should I? I have other things to do, I have a life. Don't I? Maybe not...

All that my limbs want to do is rest untill the sun goes down, and then rest again, until the sun comes up. Stress has it's way of overcoming everything that we rely upon. My strength to make it in to Uni today, my strength to motivate myself to do anything active.

All this is waiting, holding onto, giving into, thursday. Nothing special to the naked eye but to me it is a day of realising that being ill is all in my head. Or a day of understanding, moving forward, getting better, peace, reassurance that it's not all in my head.

Let that day come. Let me have strength to not go mad in these four walls. Let me go home! :

On a more positive note...

I am happy that I managed to make cookies yesterday and they tasted delicious.

So excited for pancake day aswell.

Going to eat SO many pancakes. :D