Losing you

Why does it feel like no-one understands. Here I am alone with only cold air for comfort. My nose touched by the frosty autumn weather. What should I say, how should I act? I’m good I say, I’m fine I fib. Is it better to hide away from my emotions, hide away from what I want to do, what I feel?

I’m losing control, it’s out of my control! I can’t do anything but let go, yet I’m holding on. Being pulled through this field of grass, wet up to my knees from the damp morning dew. I’m stuck where I don’t want to be right now, but theres nothing I can do.

Are you ok? Questions with a thousand answers. Yet they tell no truth. I need a friend like I’ve never needed one before, but can you see? Do you know it’s you I need, to hold me. To kiss me goodnight and let me know it’s going to be ok. Even if we both know it’s not, it’s not going to be ok, it never can be. Not right now atleast. But one day it will get better.

One day soon I might wake up and feel I have the strength to face the world of strangers, the life of ‘normality’ I am supposed to lead. I hope that day comes sooner. Waking at the moment has become a tiresome event never knowing how the day will lead. Will I make it through with a smile? Will I put on a brave face for everyone, because thats what they need? I will walk on. Walk on through this cloud. I can’t see through this cloud, its too steamed up with sadness. But when the fog is lifted, then I will smile again, then I wll say hey I’m okay, I’m fine and it not be a lie.

Yes, my friend, life is difficult when all you want is for that person you love so dearly, is for their wish to be granted. For them to go home, back to their father. No longer suffering, no longer in pain. No longer broken hearts surrounding them. Peace, this is what we need, she has it. This is what those left behind need to carry on their sleeves.

It’s talk of ’you have this’ and ‘I’ll get that’. Talk of a presence gone forever when still they remain. How can this be? One person already lost, another no, it can’t be, but it has, it’s already began.

I am a flower quickly fading..

"Here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind, still u hear me when I'm calling, won't u catch me when I'm falling and you told me who I am, I am yours"

This pretty much sums up how I have been feeling over the summer. I felt as if I was fading away from everything that I have ever believed in, from all the things that make my life what it is. I am defined by the things I have experienced in my 20 years of being alive, which is not a long time at all. As if the one thing in my life that I fully and truly believe and trust in could be here one day and gone the next day. The belief that millions of people share, yet was it ever really gone? Or was I so blinded by my own selfish ambition as to fully comprehend its existence.

Today is the start of my second year at uni, and ironically I don't actually have uni today, but I thought I'd start as I mean to go on... by writing my first blog entry in quite a few months.

When you grow up you go through a lot of changes and I know that over the long 5months break I have experienced a lot of change in my head, my heart. New people coming into my life, new friends, some I know will not fade. Yet even amongst my busy time going from one country to the next, from one event to another, I still carried you with me. Then when it came to a stop, a halt, a massive slow motion picture, you were there to catch me as I fell. Fell into the doubts and confusion of this world, fell into an uncertainty and an eagerness to understand what it was, what it is that I believe in.

Some one once said to me "that it is not the size of your faith that matters but the size of the one in whom you believe that makes the difference". It certainly does. I may have found myself fading away from the one thing my life revolves around, but I sure know it hasn't gone. I am nothing but a wave tossed in the ocean, I am nothing but I am something, I am someone. But like all things in creation, they grow again, flowers are reborn and life is made everyday. My life is never as dramatic as I make it out to be, but it is sure comforting knowing it is significant, even in those days of 'nothing much going on'!

I think all of this is entwined into feeling uninspired this summer, so being able to write something again is a real comfort..